I woke up in a panic as I again realized where I was at; it had been some time since I felt the breach of hopeless guilt and shame cringe up my back as I did that morning. I had gotten sober almost a year before, my life seemed like it was heading in a direction I had lost for so long. Then I thought I knew better than those around me, find the love of my life in rehab, set off on a journey to get married and live happily ever after. As most of us probably know, finding my wife in rehab, the last thing I was going to find was happily ever after. So here I was again, sitting in an 6×8 cell, waiting, wondering whether or not I was going to have enough fight left in the tank to. There was something profoundly different this morning though. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but it was as if I knew the direction I wanted to go in, almost like there was an inner light that I had never had before. I wanted to get sober, I couldn’t have said that at any other juncture in my using history; I could tell you I didn’t want to be in jail or rehab anymore, but I couldn’t honestly say I wanted to stop using drugs and alcohol. I had used for so long, that really was the only escape I knew and understood. But today was different, I actually wanted to get sober. I just didn’t know how or if it was even possible. So I jumped down off my bed, the sting that runs up both feet and into your back when you jump from something and your body jolts from absorbing the shock. I could feel the hair stand up on the back of my neck as the sting from the pain winced from my feet as they hit the concrete floor. I was finally in the place my dad had told me I would have to be in to find my way from the other side of the island of life. I hit me knees and I said to God “If you can hear me, hear this; either bring me home or give me help. I can’t keep living my life this way. I felt an overwhelming sye of relief come over me, it was as if I had let the burden of holding onto a dirty secret for so long, finally go. I was free from the insidious burden of holding onto the pain that I was an addict. I could feel the tears roll down each cheek as I had finally begun the process of recovery every person must endure before they can truly let God take over as captain of the ship. I had surrendered.
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